tall poppy

i feel weird about saying i'm from mit.

"aw boo hoo - cry more - be more grateful - die" is the kind of reaction i'd get ... albeit a bit dramatized. it would often be more subtle grudges and snide looks.

but it's real. and it puts me in a bind when i talk to people outside the "ivy/top college" bubble. here's the idea:

dialogue 1: just be honest

person: "what school do you go to!?"
me: "i go to mit"
person: "wow that's so cool! i go to [insert college]"
me: "oh nice!"

normal conversation between secure people ... right? well...
thoughts: now their perception of me is a lot higher. i have a lot more to prove - bigger shoes to fill. i will likely disappoint them. their expectation of me is so warped - they don't even consider the possibility that i could be a fucking idiot. in addition, my existence comes off as arrogant. i have to walk on eggshells with my words because even sharing a simple hobby or a quirk can trigger someone's insecurity. imagine the "i thought you went to [insert top college], you should know this" or "wow, i'm disappointed that an [insert top college] student doesn't know how to do [x thing]". then you do say something just to hear "wow they are so full of themselves" and "holy shit all they talk about is [insert top college]". hmmmm...

dialogue 2: i don't want to say...

person: "what school do you go to!?"
me: "i go to a trade school near boston"
person: "what school?"
me: "uhhhh"
person: "what school?"
me: "uhhhhhhhhhh ... mit (i say sheepishly with puppy dog eyes, praying they don't hurt me)"
person: "[eye roll]"
worse off conversation ... right? well...
thoughts: they think i'm obnoxious. i'm being "fake humble" as people say. my discomfort over a simple question becomes their reason to resent me. god this person hates my guts now. but what is the alternative? i say anything, i'm pretentious. i don't say anything, i'm weird. hmmmmm...

dialogue 3: lie

person: "what school do you go to!?"
me: "i go to hogwarts"
person: "what?"
me: "you know, like magic and shit"
person: "no i heard you but like..."
me: "i'm british and i play quidditch (author's note: not british, no nimbus)"
person: "i think i have to go ... "
me: "i'm also in gryffindor (author's note: buzzfeed says i'm hufflepuff)"
person: "[quickens pace to exit]"
hey that went pretty well!

ok so what now...

people will eventually know where my diploma and ssri prescription is from. it's like one linkedin search and a stereotype away. but it is hard when you grew up not to stand out and then standing out when all you want to do is bury your ostrich head in the ground for longer. one reason i think i got in was failing fast and often - whether it be 6 am, demon hour, college essay revisions or practice tests with the god forbidden "15 minute nap". but now it feels like, to not be executed like a witch in massachusetts between february 1692 to may 1693, i need to meet unreasonable expectations of perfection. i can't fail because i go to a school that makes me ostracized by default. it doesn't help that my "i failed" feel order of magnitudes more significant when i'm expected to succeed handily for all academic scenarios.

this really stifled me socially. it felt like an extra condition to manage how people react to me when in reality, i should be indifferent to it. i felt as though i couldn't talk about things i've wanted to talk about because my passion can easily be braggy. and when i do get to talk about them, subtle comments get brought up in weird ways to try to undermine me. like poking holes in me to make me more human but not like funny "haha you tripped and fell and looked stupid" holes but more like "i resent you deeply and i'll make it known but i can just play it as a joke to avoid repercussion" holes. those are less funny. all of these emotions get bottled up by nature because i end up feeling too dumb to relate to mit students and resented for being too "smart" (whatever that means).

i think what people say for advice sounds right but is often misleading or not enough to confront the problem. the "be proud of yourself" and "don't be afraid to show your worth" can only go so far when you keep getting negative social feedback of the thought of disappointing every new person you meet. i wish i was treated "normally" but for the longest time, i didn't know how to ask for this or what it looked like. and it didn't feel like anybody really cared to try to sympathize or validate this sentiment. so now, i see all projections of insecurity like software engineering resumes at a career fair. comments have no value to me unless for concrete proof of character rather my education ... and i'll see if this works out for me. but i thought it would be important to say everything here for any of my high achieving homies feeling like they have to downplay themselves to feel safe.

all this to say, i'm taking defense against the dark arts next semester so if anyone took the class last year, hmu.